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WHEN I AM DEAD MY DARLING FULL

Household chores, sharing finances, making plans…all of these things can make it hard to get through the day after the loss of a spouse. But there are some differences with the loss of a spouse (and it’s important to note that none of them are being highlighted to say that one type of loss is harder than another- they’re just different).

WHEN I AM DEAD MY DARLING FULL

There’s no doubt that a parent who has lost a child, or a daughter who was the full time caregiver for a parent will feel this same void and change in routine. Every part of my day and routine is now changed and altered, especially when it’s time to go to sleep.So we’re not only missing our spouse…we’re missing ourselves too. This union can become such a part of our identity that without it, we don’t feel like a complete or whole person anymore. After the loss of a spouse most widows and widowers will report feeling that not only is their other half missing, but that they themselves feel incomplete. While it’s usually meant to be a sweet compliment, the truth is that most marriages (even the imperfect ones!) operate and function as two people joining their lives together as one. Following the loss of a spouse or partner, I feel like only half of a whole. A lot of couples will refer to their spouse or significant other as their “better half”.And in the case of the loss of a spouse, the fact is that only our spouse or partner will feel the same investment and care in our life that we do. Because every part of the owner’s life and livelihood, and every part of their security and dreams and hopes went into that restaurant. The owner, however, will never be the same. But eventually, they will find another place to eat.

The patrons of that restaurant will miss eating there, and will feel saddened at its loss. But then there’s a fire, and suddenly the restaurant is no longer there. It’s a wonderful restaurant, with a lot of loyal and happy customers. The only person who could share the weight of these concerns was my husband”. Since then, I’ve used this example. But here’s the thing…in the end, whatever happens just won’t affect them the same way it would affect me.

“My friends are great,” she said, “when I share a worry about my daughter or grandson, they’ll nod and show compassion and concern.

Even a very caring network of support can’t replace this one thing we had: a shared and equally vested interest in the outcome of each other’s lives. A widow pointed this out to me, and boy was she right.

And for most widows and widowers I speak to, nothing feels worse than that.

The friends themselves may hesitate (or all out avoid) inviting the griever along for fear that this newly single person will feel out of place. The problem isn’t just the griever who may feel awkward in a setting that is mostly couples. And unfortunately being part of a bigger group or going to a party isn’t necessarily any easier. Sure, some people will do these things on their own, but for most these activities were reserved for their spouse or partner. Going out to dinner, going to the movies, taking a vacation. We don’t even notice how much of a couples world it is until we’re no longer part of it.

It’s a couples world and socializing after the loss of a spouse is never the same. This comes up just about every time I facilitate a group for widow and widowers.

Our loved ones are well intentioned, there’s no doubt, but here is what most grievers who have lost a spouse would want those around them to understand: This can be felt any time someone tries to cheer us up, smooth it over, or make it better. Every part of our past, present, and future revolved around this person, and to be without them is harder, sadder, and lonelier than we ever could have guessed.Īnd here’s the thing…not only is it harder than we could have thought the people we spend time don’t always seem to recognize the depth and duration of this loss. This is who we made our plans with…the one who shared our worries. For many, this was the person we spent most of our time with. Everything changes after the loss of a spouse or partner.